Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Good Kind

I've been told several times "you have to good kind of cancer" or "if I had to have cancer that's the one I'd choose" To which I want to say "fuck you!" I realize people are trying to be comforting and helpful but saying things like that downplays the seriousness of my diagnosis. It's like telling someone who had a heart attack at least they didn't have to have bypass surgery, or someone who had a toe amputated that at least it wasn't their whole foot. My friend has intermittent MS and hears things like this all the time. She still has to deal with symptoms and still has MS, she just occasionally has breaks during which her symptoms aren't as severe.
I have cancer. Am I glad it's not pancreatic cancer? Of course. But I'd prefer to take the offer of the person who says "I'd choose that one if I had to have cancer" and let them have it. Because they would change their mind really quickly if they actually had to choose between cancer or no cancer. Anyone would. Add to it the complicating factor of being pregnant and I can't imagine anyone would choose this. So please, don't tell me how lucky I am, because it's demeaning. It downplays the seriousness of my situation. I will forever have a visible scar across my neck, everyone will be able to see what I've gone through.
And an update, sort of. I have another neck map ultrasound scheduled April 3. At that time I will be 24 weeks, my surgeon will see if any additional lymph nodes are compromised and/or if the tumor has grown. That gives a two week window to do surgery before I start my third trimester. They won't do surgery after that unless things get really out of hand. My thoughts on when to do surgery are all over the place, it might be easier to be recovered before the baby is born, but there's no monitoring of the baby during the three and a half hour plus surgery. I'm just going to defer to the doctors and ask favors of friends and family whenever the surgery is. So, more waiting.
I have a rare week of NO appointments next week, so I may be quiet until then. I'm still here, still growing a baby and trying not worry.

1 comment:

engineermom said...

Hugs. All I can say is this sucks and I wish I could take away the cancer from you. I truly can't imagine what you are going through but I thank you for sharing.